...shake shake the room

Once again last night, I blamed the noises in my room on my complete paranoia.

The walls crackled, my door crackled several times...I jumped from my comfortable late night TV watching thinking someone was attempting to infiltrate my bedroom at 1 am. But to my knowledge, everyone in the house was asleep.

So I now know I'm not crazy, they were tremors. And I never thought I'd live to tell that I felt tremors from an earthquake.

I always worry about buildings crumbling, especially out here. Tremors in the UAE are more and more common these days...creepy! Our infrastructure is surely not sturdy enough.

Did anyone else feel it?

retreat

Definitely not TBTB...quite the contrary, summer is upon us and the grueling heat has made me almost lethargic. Work is slowing down, friends have escaped the heat for a few days...and I feel like I've retreated into a little world of my own.

It can be a little boring at times, but I do somewhat enjoy this slowing down in pace. And I've had this thirst for reading, music and movies that hadn't hit me for a while.

I've gone from reading a book about trashy tabloid journalism to Jean Paul Sartre's 'Nausea', I've watched countless episodes of Sex and the City and the very moving documentary 'Born into Brothels', I've downloaded all kinds of music...I guess I needed to fill my mind and soul with things other than men, work, and the bloody heat.

And of course, I've been following the World Cup as religiously as a girl can. I've been in my Italian jersey all day and while I'm ecstatic at their 1-0 win over Australia, I do feel bad for the Aussies. They played a great game, and had me shaking in my boots at the thought of Italy being eliminated.

And just because I will never really be that spiritual and non-shallow...:) Feast your eyes on this beautiful man.

(Luca Toni)

money money money

During a month which you'd think is quite dead...I've spent more money than I have any other month this year. A few more outings than usual, eating more food to console myself during hard times, a pair of sunglasses that finally suits me...You know the deal.

But I have a tale to tell...the tale of the most expensive lobster I've ever had.

Wednesday night, I went out with a friend for a couple of drinks. He'd warned me he had forgotten his wallet, which was not a problem...we regularly buy each other rounds, and I have no qualms about buying (I am a working woman after all...)

A few drinks later, the hunger pangs began. We left the bar and drove by the Sheraton hotel. Suddenly, all I could think of was a meal I'd had at their seafood restaurant, Il Paradisio. I'd gone there once before to celebrate my best friend's birthday, whose mom ended up footing the bill. I had no idea how much the lobster I'd had then had cost, but judging from the price of appetizers and the likes, I didn't think it was exhorbitant.

My friend tried to dissuade me from going there, as he figured it would be a little pricy. But I thought hey...what's the most I'll end up paying, 400-500 dhs tops?? No problem...nothing like living luxuriously sometimes. It was almost 11 pm, we were the only ones there...perfect. Without even thinking about it, we both ordered lobsters with lemon butter sauce. Needless to say, they were exquisite.

The waitress didn't quite know who to give the bill to...I grabbed the check, and I really, really wish my friend could have recorded my reaction. I didn't even want to double check with the waitress that she hadn't made a mistake...would have been too embarassing for the guy who'd forgotten his wallet. The bill added up to ONE THOUSAND AND FIFTY SIX DIRHAMS....yes, 1056...for two lobsters, a bottle of water, and a rum and coke. 1056...1056...1056...

In a split second, I thought of all the things I could have done with that amount of money...the clothes, the drinks, the trips, the lobsters I could have had elsewhere...I payed with a big lump in my throat...there was nothing I could do about it, but goddamn, 1056!!??

Anyway, I've tried to forget about this incident...but it almost makes me laugh everytime I think about it. My friend has no idea how much I payed, but I've saved the receipt for a day when he owes me BIG TIME :P

I've eaten at some very expensive restaurants and had some exquisite meals, most of which have been payed for. But I am almost certain that I've never had such an expensive meal. This is ridiculous...sure, both our lobsters amounted to 2.2 kilos, but you'd think they were covered in caviar at that price.

Phew...I feel better having shared this incident...although I am really trying hard to forget it. Please, please, pretty please, don't make me feel worse about it :)

surfacing

I may be finally emerging from under the dark cloud...it's been an emotional and difficult few days, for no particular reason whatsoever. I guess sometimes, things add up, and you just can't keep up a front anymore.

On the other hand, I guess my immune system's been shot by the stress I've been feeling, as I now have a cold! Nooooo! The last time I had a major cold was last October. I'd broken up with my boyfriend a couple of months before and was still getting over it...For some reason, the really hard part came in October; I was so sick even my dad felt sorry for me. I cried every tear that I'd stocked up in my body. Weird things came out of my nose and throat...I was in a complete daze for a week. I really think it was my body purging itself from all the feelings I'd had pent up.

I really believe in the powers of emotions wrecking havoc on your body...

Anyway, I've taken the day off work today...I'm not that sick, just didn't feel like going to the office, plus it'll give me a long weekend of sorts...

Things with the guy that's been messing with my head have calmed down as well...through your comments and some thought, I snapped myself back to reality and just told myself I really didn't need to be the victim every time. I know exactly what to expect of him now and I'll go along with it until I feel I am going to get hurt. This by no means implies that I will not get hurt, but I'm fully aware that I can be in control if I really want to. I've been with some absolutely horrible men...this is nothing I can't handle :)

multiple choice

Men:

- are scum?
- are players?
- are sensitive?
- are torn?
- want to be with you but know they might hurt you?
- don't text you all day because they don't give a shit?
- don't text you all day because they feel bad?
- want their egos massaged and forget about you when they've gotten their fix?
- spend all night texting you while they're out a bar even though they don't want to be with you?
- leave their friends for a few minutes to call and check up on you when you've had a bad day even though they don't want to be with you?
- say they feel a certain closeness to you that they don't feel with others, yet don't want to pursue something more serious?


My very own personal conclusion at this time is that men are full of shit...or this man in particular.

He's by no means an asshole, just not fully realising how his actions are messing with my head.

Meanwhile, he's most likely having a great day, while I can hardly find a billion other things to do to keep my mind off reaching for that phone...

One thing I am certain of...women are: idiots.

somewhere in the middle

I'm sitting in my bathrobe with a clay mask on my face...my skin seems to be suffering the consequences of my stress lately. I've eaten every oily food in the house in the past three hours, and I've got a box of chocolate chip cookies waiting its turn. I've smoked cigarette after cigarette, even though my throat hurts.

I'm having a shitty day again. Contrary to what my recent posts may suggest, it hasn't been all bad lately. But when it's bad, it seems the snowball effect just kicks in.

I had a great night last night, partied a little too much for a weeknight. This morning was of course going to be rough, but I managed. The more the day went along, the more tired, hungry, frustrated, annoyed I became. And right at the end of the day, a work issue came up. I've been feeling like crap since.

I also feel like crap because men are tiring me. The past few weeks have been a rollercoaster of butterflies with one guy, and things seem to be waning now...before they've even really begun. I so want to believe his reasons...but my gut is telling me to stay guarded.

I need to sleep. I need a hug. I need great food. I need pleasant weather. I need to believe that tomorrow is another day...