rain on my parade

I am of the very emotional type. I feel everything; sometimes it shows, sometimes I succeed at concealing it. These past few days seemed to have been ok, even better than usual. But once the night comes, I lay down in my bed and try to get some sleep, but all I hear is the pounding of my heart.

Can you sometimes fool yourself into believing that everything is ok?

Something must be stressing me out, but I'm not quite sure what it is. I have the daily dose of stress which I thought I'd become accustomed to. But I guess it catches up with you eventually.

I hate to place the blame on one thing only, but I do know that a huge source of my stress comes from within my own home. I may have mentioned before that I live with a relative who is completely depressed. Yes, she is ill, but it's nothing that other old folks haven't experienced. She refuses to believe that her problems are psychological.

She complains. All the time. If I dare to venture out of my room to hang out with dad, brother or anyone else in the house, I hear the same story over and over again. All hell could be breaking loose around her, but in the end, it's all about her and how horrible she feels.

Sometimes I can sympathise; I've been through rough patches in my life when all I could think about was how awful I felt. I wonder if I am so appalled by her behaviour because it reminds me of my own weaknesses.

I also wonder over and over again if it's ok to have such negative feelings towards someone who has raised you and loved you by choice, not through imperative. This is the exact feeling that torments me; I sometimes feel like the most ungrateful person in the world for feeling this way.

My head and heart feel heavy this evening. There's no use talking to anyone about this because it's all been said and done, but this virtual world provides a previously unexplored outlet for my guilt.

Listening to: Israel Kamakawiwo'ole - Somewhere Over the Rainbow
"Where trouble melts like lemon drops..."