a little more personal

What I'm about to write about I've tried avoiding talking about lately. It's funny how humans can sometimes believe that by ignoring something, it no longer exists. Maybe in some cases it's true, but in this case it's not.

I've changed immensly over the past few years. I used to be a party girl, always up for a night out. Bars, clubs, raves, house parties, concerts...anything went. Now I'm more of a homey person, a little by choice, but mostly not.

I was about 14 or 15 when I first felt this way. I was at a dinner with my family. There was a cat who had just given birth to adorable kittens in the garden. Given my love for animals, I wanted to get close. I did, but the mother got angry and started hissing at me. And there it was...the first taste of something that would follow me for years to come. Panic. I had no idea why I felt that way, but I remember being absolutely terrified.

For a year or so after that, I'd wake up in the middle of the night, my heart beating so hard it moved my mattress, and I was afraid. But it passed.

Fast forward five years later. 2000 was quite a shaky year for me. I had been kicked out of university, as too much partying had led to failing grades. I had a huge fight with my best friends, which did not resolve itself until 2 years later. I felt a pressing need to come back to Abu Dhabi to see my family, and within days I was on a plane, heading back home. A week later, my uncle -who I lived with- passed away suddenly. I was developping feelings for an ex who I had broken up with years before, and after years of him pining for me, he was no longer interested. The panic resurfaced. Within months, it was gone again.

In 2001, I had an awful break up with a guy I had known for a while, although we only went out for 8 months first, and then a couple of months a few years later. I was devastated, for more than one reason. Somehow I held on to my life and managed to get out of the hollow feeling that inhabited me. A year later, the panic was back. I was back in Abu Dhabi that summer, and I felt a huge panic attack come on. I cried for 3 days. The panic attack lasted 3 whole agonising days. I felt I was going to die any minute.

From then on I made the decision to see a counsellor. Sometimes I can't remember her name, but I never forget her face. She became my comfort, even though all she did was listen to me mostly. There was so much I needed to say, without answers, without solutions, without judgment. My anxiety got better, and I was leading a 'normal' life again.

It's now almost four years later, but the panic came back, in full force, last year. And this time, I haven't been able to shake it off the way I did all the other times. For a long time, I was unable to just cross the street to buy a pack of cigarettes, let alone go out to restaurants, sit with friends, or go to a club. Until now, I worry about going out alone, I worry everytime I am in public, I worry all the bloody time about having a panic attack.

I'm sure a lot of people have experienced panic attacks at some point in their lives and from all the reading I've done about it, it's quite common. But my technique this time has been to avoid them at all costs, something that made me homebound for a long, long time. The feeling, although fleeting, is just so awful, so terrifying and so out of my control that I never want to experience it again.

Since I've come back to Abu Dhabi, it's helped me a little bit. Abu Dhabi is not a very crowded city, so I can manage getting by. In my mind, I make notes of little victories, such as crossing the street without fear last year, going out for brunch with my friends, going to the mall on my own, attending a wedding with 300 guests, travelling abroad, and just the other night, going out to a bar with some friends.

They are victories that mean nothing to some, and that god knows, meant absolutely nothing to me just a few years ago. My panic attacks created so much trouble in my life. Insecurity on my behalf, leading me to trust no one. I lost common ground with my closest friends, as we had nothing but the memories of days gone by to connect us. I was angry a lot of the time because I did not want to accept the person I had become.

My sister was god-sent throughout the past year. It's never easy to handle something that you don't quite comprehend, but she's been so patient with me. My father has slowly been trying to understand what goes on in my head, and my brother keeps me sane in the best way he can, by making me laugh. For a long time, I stopped talking to my closest friends about it because I felt I was being repetitive. Now I'm more comfortable talking about it with them, and I understand that it's ok for me to feel this way, that the people who love me will not judge me if I am not feeling well.

I still struggle with it and sometimes wish my mind could be as powerful in convincing me that there is nothing to worry about rather than convince me that I should be afraid of something. I could have taken the easy way out and started popping pills for my anxiety, but somewhere deep down inside of me I know I am stronger than that and that I can overcome this on my own.

Now some days are better than others. I've learnt to reason with myself and not worry all the bloody time. I've also learnt to not freak out the minute my body feels strange inside. I've learnt that even if I do have another panic attack, it will pass (hopefully). I've learnt that things could be much worse. I've learnt that I need to accept the person I've become and not fight her. I'm also beginning to trust that the people who love me will love me whether I'm panicky or not.


Listening to: Phil Collins - Easy Lover (2002 White Label club mix)
I may have just written a sappy post, but I do have a sense of humour. I absolutely love this song, it puts me in such a good mood.