pieces of me

I'm feeling really restless tonight. All I wanted to do this afternoon after work was get home, slip into bed, and just do absolutely nothing. A half hour into doing nothing, I started feeling antsy.

The past week has been quite a busy one, between work, studying for my GRE, camping and a couple of occasional outings. I also met an out of town guy over the weekend, and it was nice to indulge in a little fling after so long.

I love the feeling of meeting a guy and sharing an experience with him, no matter how insignificant it is. Any feminists reading will want to crucify me for saying this, but the rush of meeting someone, even if it's just about an attraction, is just fun. I rarely experience that here, not because I'm picky, but because interesting people are really hard to find.

I'd hate to think my current melancholic state is only related to this, but I do think it plays a big role.

This feeling hits me once in a while, and I wallow in it for a day or two. I ask myself a million questions, I reminisce on days gone by, I wonder if my life was ever full enough that I never felt this way.

Probably not. But since I've been back to Abu Dhabi, I feel it more and more. Every few months, things build up and I seem to be having a great time. But then it all dies down, and I'm back to feeling like I'm merely existing, not living.

Maybe I'm just tired. I pull an all nighter one night and I need a week to recover; I feel old. I know it's a dumb thing to say at my age, but I do. Re-reading this post, I realise that my thoughts are disconnected, kinda all over the place. It'll all pull itself together eventually, and writing generally helps the piecing-my-life-together process.

not-so-happy campers

I've been up since 7'30 am. I fell asleep at 7 pm last night. I could have slept another 5 hours, but my colleague woke me up with an urgent question and I did need to get up for work eventually. So I'm up, after 12 hours of blissful sleep.

I went camping with some friends this weekend, and I think we all felt like we had been away for days! We set out on Thursday afternoon, and the weather starting turning as we hit the little patch of open sea we needed to go through to get to Bahraini island. We met up with the other campers at one spot, and it was windy as hell so we were covered in sand in no time.

A couple of us set out to look for another, less windy, spot, as we were not too thrilled at the thought of eating sand all night. And we found another spot that was completely blocked off from the wind, except it was quite dirty and was surrounded by trees, filled with birds making really weird sounds. In the process, it rained on us twice.

Anyway, we finally set up camp around 7 pm and by then the large group that was supposed to join us had bailed because of the weather. We started drinking very early on and had a blast. Four of us decided to hit the water for a midnight dip, and I don't think I've laughed this much in a while. Midnight dips are somehow always linked to bathing suit snatchings, and luckily there was no moon, so the walk of shame up to the beach to find our stolen bathing suits was not too shameful. But I did manage to lose one half of my bikini to a very strong current, but luckily, I had packed an extra bathing suit. Hmm.

Anyway, I didn't get to sleep till sunrise, and almost everyone woke up between 7 and 8 am as the heat in the tents was just becoming unbearable. And it didn't stop there. It was sooooo hot yesterday, the sand was boiling and my feet are now damaged. The water out there was also colder than usual, so we were neither comfortable out on the sand, nor in the water. Also, Bahraini was PACKED with people, boats and annoying jet skis, so it wasn't a quiet day at all. Add that to a combination of no sleep and too much sun, and you get a slightly annoyed bunch of people.

Needless to say, yesterday was a very, very long day. I was so tired by the time I got home, I somehow managed to shower and get the ton of salt and sand off of me. I slipped into bed just hoping to browse the net for a while, but I was asleep within minutes. And I was too drunk at night and too dead during the day to take any photos. I just shot a few at the end of the day, so here's one of the marine traffic on Bahraini island (and that was really nothing, the other side was jam packed.)

The Passion

Two years later and I finally watch The Passion of the Christ. I know, I'm late, but I hate watching movies in the midst of their hype. I usually end up disappointed.

So back to The Passion...I'm not sure what to think of it. I also don't know how to judge a movie to which we already know the ending. If anything, it helped me brush up on my Sunday school teachings (which I have to admit, are very, very rusty.) But the sheer violence of it all was a little more than what little ole' me can generally take.

I did sit through it all in the comfort of my bed, but there is no way I would have been able to stand it in a movie theater. And at the end of it, I was really creeped out. I squirmed around in my bed throughout the whole movie, and later had trouble falling asleep.

Not because I'm religious or anything, but all the blood and Satan's various forms really scared me. And I wonder if that was the point of the whole movie, to scare us into believing.

My general opinion is that clerics (of all faiths) too often use fear as a tactic to rally people to the faith. Believe or you will burn in hell, believe or you will suffer the way Jesus did. I've always had an aversion to those tactics, ever since the days I went to mass with my dad and listened to the priest preach endlessly about people not going to church enough. What was the point of saying that to the people who were already in church??

Anyway. Obviously, Passion was a very catholic portrayal of the last 12 hours of Christ's life. To think that the world is up in arms about Islamic fundamentalism, while fundamentalist Catholics are just as ideologically crazy.

It may be pretentious of me to form my own little way of believing. But I prefer to think of the higher powers as my friend, not as someone who will chastise me for every thing I do throughout my life. And I'm sure I'm not the only one to want to see religion and faith that way. I don't know one person of my generation who is a big believer...maybe it's time for clerics to reach out to youths who possibly want something to believe in. Fear just won't do it.

lover

"I was hoping it was you."
It was me. I was secretly hoping the same thing. And it was him, in all his manliness and macho-ism. He quickly became everything I would crave in a man. Wit, brawn, and brazenly captivating.

We layed in the dark while he told me his story. Mine seemed like child's play comparatively. I listened, completely enthralled, a little appalled. Wit, brawn, and deeply troubled. How was I not going to fall for him?

Then he uttered the words that remain with me to this day. "It was so hard for you because you lost something that in your mind was perfect." He got me. Everything I had been trying to explain to myself, he figured out in days.

I restrained myself for weeks but it was inevitable. I wanted him all to myself, but he was an island. No woman was ever going to get to him, even if he chose her for the time being. It's been years since then, and I still think about him. I think about the mountains, I think about the impressions he left, both good and bad, I think about the night of my birthday, when the things to come were obvious though we had since broken up.

The night unfolded hazily and beautifully. He treated me like he loved me, although I was old enough to realise it was all a gorgeous seduction.

I never loved him, he never loved me. Yet he's still on my mind, and will remain the mystery of a man I hope I will one day find.

across the night

Today was a completely and utterly lazy Friday. I did absolutely nothing but lounge around in my PJs and listen to music all afternoon long. I transferred a bunch of music from my old and disintegrating laptop to my current one and became completely enthralled in the process.

Music affects me very much and with every song, memories and feelings came flooding back. Anyway, I came across this one song by Silverchair, called Across the Night. I remember the first time I heard it, I was a little taken aback.



It has such an odd feel to it, and very much a fragmented continuation. Had I not been listening with an open mind, I think I would have hated it. But something about it completely captured me. I was listening to it again today and was once again completely baffled by it. I read the lyrics over and over again, and they have a very uneasy feeling about them. All I could imagine was how tortured and tired the guy must have been while writing this song, as it just goes from one emotion to another.

I looked up its meaning and only found a couple of explanations. One saying its about singer Daniel Johns' dream, the other that its about his insomnia. Regardless, its a very theatrical song (as the video will also attest) that I believe really needs to be listened to with an open mind. Check it out, read the lyrics below, and let me know what you think of it and what explanations you may have for it.

Across the Night - Silverchair

Public beach = Never again

So my friends and their family invited me out to a barbecue on the public beach somewhere behind Emirates Palace today. Never one to say no to a day by the sea and good food, I was of course in.

Shame on me, but I haven't been to a public beach in Abu Dhabi in lightyears. I now remember why.

It got a little warm, so my friend, her cousin and I ventured out to the wavy waters. The more we approached the water, the more violated we felt. By the time we were in, I wanted to hide under a rock far, far away in the ocean.

All violating eyes were on us, guys started making dumb and lewd comments like they'd never seen a girl in a swimming suit before. Except the beach was full of people, expats and non-expats, all in various degrees of revealing beach attire. I guess because we understand Arabic, the way we were being oggled at and the things that came out of these people's mouths really ticked us off.

I swear, we didn't even want to get out of the water anymore and walk back to our spot. But unless we wanted to to stay in the waters until nightfall when everyone would leave, we had to make a move. By the time I was safely wrapped in my towel again, I just wanted to hit everyone in sight.

I was telling my friend that they need cops to patrol the area, as a lot of cars also just pass by aimlessly to scope out the meat. But she said something rather interesting, that we probably shouldn't be hanging out in our bikinis on a public beach anyway.

I kinda see her point, but I don't think it's forbidden, is it? I do wonder whether the cops would side with us or them though, that's how little faith I have in things changing around here.

I've been in AD a very long time, and you'd think I'd get used to being visually violated, but I don't think I ever will. My friend and I quickly left the public beach after lunch, and I came home in a really shitty mood.

M updated

It's been a while since I posted anything about former-crush M. I swear guys, I'm really not delusional nor do I have enough confidence to think men fall for me easily, but whenever I don't see him for a couple of days, I really feel like he actually misses me and is happy to see me again.

Also, whenever dad calls and I'm with M, dad gets this suspicious tone in his voice. I'm sure dad thinks we are dating. And whenever dad thinks I'm dating someone, we usually end up dating.

So M is now with a new girl. All I know from my trusty sources is that she is older (30s) and that she really isn't all that in the looks department (which of course, doesn't mean anything.) M won't divulge much info, despite my constant nagging for him to tell me about his conquests in order for me to juicify my date-less life.

And no I'm not fishing for info because I care. Really, I can go for days without speaking to him or seeing him, and he won't even cross my mind. Doesn't mean it doesn't put a smile on my face when he calls, but really, I am not emotionally attached in any way.

Sometimes the playfulness between us baffles me, and I'm sure that we come across as a couple to onlookers. My number one requirement in a guy I'm dating is playfulness, and by that I mean someone who gets my dumb jokes and who has a quick wit. I didn't necessarily have that with M when I first met him, but it's developped quite nicely.

We also argue playfully a lot, because he thinks I nag too much and sometimes (a lot of the time) he bugs me. I was supposedly nagging about something today when things got a little more heated but still in good fun and the words just slipped out of me. "Wow, there's a lot of tension between us," I said with my slyest look.

Hmm, I can think of many a thing to do about that tension, no? Answers on a postcard!
:)

I'm right here Stefano

Ladies, ENJOY. Gentlemen, weep (or enjoy, if that's your fancy).

I was watching TV5 last night and this beautiful creature showed up on my tv screen. Stefano Accorsi took my breath away. He's an Italian actor who speaks French with the sexiest accent I've ever heard.

He may look YUMMY in the pic, but the live effect is even better. He's got a mouth and lips that would make me faint if he were to ever speak to me.

But of course, he's already been snapped up by none other than French bombshell Laetitia Casta. But as we say in French, "un mec maque, ca ce demaque," roughly translated as "a guy who's taken can be un-taken," or something. A girl can only dream.

Hmm ;)

Stoned in Love

No, not me that's stoned in love. This song - Stoned in Love by Chicane - is rapidly becoming my favourite song of the moment.

The track features vocals by Tom Jones, and his voice is almost unrecognisable. It's only when he hits the high notes that you can tell it's him.

My sis introduced me to Chicane, who make very mellow yet heart-stirring electronic music. They've previously collaborated with Bryan Adams on "Dont Give Up," and I loved the result. Stoned in Love is even better.

By the way, I've seen Tom Jones in concert, and WOW! The man sure can sing, and he sure has a hell of a lot of energy! I could almost understand why women throw their undies at him :)

Check out the Stoned in Love video. Pretty fun!

jay kay in my house...I wish

My sis is making me so jealous, I've got her on the phone right now and I can hear Jamiroquai as if they were playing in my own bedroom!

"Yeah yeah, all right now...let's spend the night together, wake up and live forever..."

Aaaah, I love Jamiroquai.
Again, why did I not go to the concert?!?!?!

I once called a good friend of mine while I was at a Metallica concert in Montreal (AMAZING!), and he just shut the phone in my face. I now understand why. Jealousy is a bitch.

:)

writer's block

It is the weekend again for me...I love how this week went by so fast. Except, I have to write something and I cannot, for the life of me, construct a single decent sentence.

I thought I'd have it done during office hours today, but I guess given that my deadline is Saturday morning, my mind went into weekend-mode a little too early.

Also, I have taken Saturday and Sunday off from work, so I want to get this piece done TONIGHT so I don't have to spend my mini-break worrying about it. But I just can't wrap my head around this thing...I hate writer's block.

You may be wondering why -if I am unable to write- I am writing here. Well, the first thing our great professors at university thaught us was that if you're having a hard time churning out a piece, either step away from it for a while, or write something completely unrelated just to get the creative juices flowing.

The former hasn't worked, even though I took a nap and got some chocolate into my system (you know, just to get some energy...right). So I'm really hoping the latter trick will work. Will keep you posted.

what's in a name

So Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin now have a baby boy, and the jokes about their second child's name have been rampant, considering they called their first-born Apple. Now, they've gone and named the little innocent boy Moses.

Why God why? I know they're celebrities and they think they're allowed to commit such crimes, but do parents not think of the consequences a child's name can have on their lives?

Apple?! And Moses?! Judging from what Apple looks like now, both of them are going to look absolutely adorable. But I will pray for those kids once they hit the school yard.


I hated my name for a long time; especially considering that when I was born, my parents took a whole month before they could settle on a name. So you'd think that my name would be outta this world, but it's not. My name also begins with an R, and I have a very slight problem properly pronouncing Rs.

Strange, considering I speak French and that I can perfectly roll my Rs then, but in English or Arabic, my Rs come out a little W-ed. I like my name now; I'm not in love with it, but it's ok.

Anyway, all this to say is that I'm going to run my future children's names through every language I know, and every language my friends know that I don't know, just to make sure that it doesn't mean anything offensive or ridiculous in another language. I will also try to refrain from giving my child a name that begins with an S, because the kid could turn out to have a lisp. Seriously, I know a girl who has a very strong lisp, and unfortunately, her name starts with an S. I want to crack up everytime she introduces herself to someone, and I think I do.

I just wouldn't want my kids to be teased about their names. I know it seems like I've thought long and hard about my kids' names, but really, I haven't. I barely want children, but if I were to have any, it would just make sense to ensure that they have a tease-free future if I can help it, at least with regards to their names.

from fug to less fug

Uuufffffffffff I've finally changed my fugly template. Seriously, I took a minute and looked at it yesterday and it made me nauseous. I'm surprised no one called me on it before...you guys are too polite!

Anyway, so this kinda bland one will have to do for now, much better than the last one in my opinion. Still, I'm not lusting after this one either. But personalising my blog and creating an original template is a little more than what my little brain can handle.

blog dream

I've been blogging for more than six months now, and never did this virtual world enter my dream world.

But last night, I dreamt that I met moryarti :)

And given that you had once said you'd want David Schwimmer to play you moryarti, you looked like him in my dream.

Funny, and a little weird!

me, myself and I

Update: I tag moryarti, jin and DS. (Just so you can't pretend you didn't know!)
(How did this turn into an official tag?...:)

I am not: a goody-two-shoes
I love: the beach
I hate: pretentious folks
I fear: my thoughts
I hope: I will one day be able to maneuver my nose-ring out
I hear: constant ringing in my ears
I crave: men
I regret: nothing
I cry: often
I care: despite what people may think
I always: wash my face before bed
I feel alone: in a crowd
I listen: for 10 mins, drift away for 5, listen for 10...
I hide: from neighbours with whom I don't want to make small-talk
I drive: my father up the wall sometimes
I dance: like a ho' when alone in my room, but more conservatively in public
I write: every day
I act: as badly as Ben Affleck getting through a crying scene
I miss: having my own place
I learn: by making tons of mistakes
I feel: naive
I know: nothing is certain
I sleep: in my underwear
I wonder: what my life would be like if my mom were around
I want: to be happy
I worry: way too much
I have: 2 tattoos
I fight: my mind
I need: a vacation
I am: a stubborn Saggittarian
I think: I am funny

Khaleeji charm

I love this man. I've never had a crush on an Arab celebrity, so Rashed Al Majid is my first.
I love his voice, I love his songs, I love him.


The other night I was flipping through the channels and the Dubai channel had one of his concerts on...I watched and listened completely smitten, and eventually dozed off into a very peaceful sleep. This man's got charm.

The first Rashed Al Majid song I heard was "Ya Habibi" back in 2001. My brother, ever the Khaleeji (Gulf) music lover, introduced me to him, and I remember dancing to it with him, twirling a cane (3asay) around. True, we're not very good Khaleeji dancers, but we try!

Other songs I love are Waily (wow), Meshkalny, Al 3youn, and a recent one I've heard but of which I don't know the name. It goes: "Jani habibi min ba3d ghebat sneen, ygoul ysameh..."
Anyone know the name?

wardrobe malfunction

So I'm doing a little pseudo-spring cleaning in my wardrobe, really because the method to the madness is only viable for so long.

Also because I've accumulated things from what seems like a million years ago which I'd never be caught dead wearing now (i.e mini tube top that stops right under my boobs...I kept it anyway, just for the sake of the memories.) And because I sometimes feel the need to give to charity.

Anyway, this spring cleaning made me realise two things. One, 98% of my wardrobe is black. Two, I've put on a kilo or two.

Well, I realised I had put on weight a couple of months back, but I've recently felt the need to diversify what I wear. Not happening...at least not until I go shopping, again!

I've never cared about my weight. I was born curvy and I like it. In fact, my two best friends in high school were stick thin model types (who have indeed modelled), and they were always on crazy diets. Meanwhile, I'd sit there and tempt them into having sinfully yummy chocolate cake.

Sometimes when I had the occasional big crush or supposed big love in my life, I'd lose some weight, since girls tend to be too excited about a guy to eat sometimes. But before moving back to Abu Dhabi last year, I lost quite a bit of weight. Yes I had a boyfriend, but I mainly lost the weight because I was really unhappy with my life. Depression can do that to you sometimes.

Sure I liked fitting into a wider range of clothing for a while, but I'm the type who freaks out when I lose weight. I think I have AIDS or cancer or something. Since I wasn't doing anything to lose the weight, I definitely thought I was dying. But no, it was just the good ole' blues.

So with the weight loss came the need for new pairs of trousers, new skirts etc. I ate anything and everything to my heart's desire, and little did I know that the countless Jammin' Jammocha's from Baskin Robbins I had during the disgustingly hot UAE summer would comfortably find a place on my thighs months later.

They are indeed resting very comfortably now, and I no longer fit into the bottom-clothing-items I bought last year. Of course, my breasts and tummy seem to know nothing of the weight I've put on, as my tops still fit me. We women are blessed with fat rushing straight to our thighs...oh joy.

Anyway...I don't really mind the couple of kilos I've put on, I've always been more comfortable this way. But this means another huge dent into my bank account. I'd love to hire a personal shopper, as I have no desire to hang around malls for an eternity trying to find clothes that will last me a few months.

I also recently ripped my favourite pair of jeans, and finding a perfect pair of jeans in AD is the hardest thing in the world. Why why why. Any suggestions on where I can find nice, well fitting jeans in AD? And by well fitting I mean not armpit high waists or crotch baringly low, and that don't make me look like I have an oddly shaped penis lurking underneath.

I miss Homogene!! (Montreal-based store filled to the brim with every kind of jeans a girl could possibly dream of!)